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    “北漂”追夢人

    “北漂”追夢人
    ——在“2011首屆跨媒介詩歌節”研討會的發言

     
    作者:安琪
     
      我想先從牧野來談這次的跨媒介詩歌節,2011年11月19日上午,我接到了牧野的電話,說小云讓他過來接我。我第一反應是,你有車啦?這么厲害!牧野在電話那頭笑。兩小時后,牧野在約定地點等我,我看見那輛白色的嶄新轎車和轎車上牧野的兩個兒子,一個長得極酷,板寸,黑臉膛,一看就是牧野的翻版,這是大兒子。那個年輕羞澀白臉膛的司機是他的二兒子。同車還有宋莊畫家郭春亭。我坐到副駕駛座上第一句話就是,牧野我真高興,你終于挺過來了,咱們這些人終于堅持到今天。
     
      牧野和我幾乎是同一年到的北京,八年來,大家各自都經過艱辛的打工、輾轉,彼此聯系不多但大抵知道都在為生存而戰。現在,牧野把兒子接了過來,買了車,生活走上正軌,值得驕傲的是,他語言中哲學的思辨能力沒變,那種在中國古典和西方文論中出生入死而形成的看待世界表達世界的方式沒變。那天中午,牧野請我們幾個在云南餐館吃飯,他信口拈來日常生活的話題卻能談得超拔不俗的才華讓我和郭春亭時常交換一下驚訝的微笑。我想說,這就是北京主義!每一個從外省輾轉而來的追夢人,懷揣著理想主義和英雄主義的壯麗宏圖,在北京這座包容性極大的城市打拼,人人都有一份甘苦自知的人生,但只要你有才華,有頑強的意志力,有自我修煉的心靈定力,你終究能在北京找到屬于自己的一方天地。
     
      在我看來,北京主義的第一要義是,活著但不失自己的本質,不要忘了自己為何而來,否則你的苦就白吃了。這幾天晚上我都在讀劉不偉主編的《不是東西——北京主義》——蘇非舒和張小云主編的那兩本我還沒細讀——我感覺劉不偉有意地為生存在北京的北漂中人建了這么一座紙上紀念館,他試圖收集北漂中人(主要是詩人)的生活狀況,方方面面,吃喝住行,以此呈現一個群體的悲喜人生。我先讀的是阿堅寫小招的分裂和死亡的文章,很震撼。最初傳來小招自殺的消息時我以為是行為藝術,此前他曾到西安給伊沙下跪過。后來知道他是真的死了。現在讀阿堅文章又知道他得了分裂癥,真是不勝唏噓。我想,每個選擇北漂的人一定要培養自己承受失敗和苦難的心,既然路是自己選的,就要承受,這是必須的,否則很容易在生活的打擊面前崩潰。
     
      《北京主義》這本書推出了一個年輕詩人群落,大抵是80后和90后,這一部分特別鮮活、生猛。這些孩子似乎抱定了不在正規刊物發表的決心,隨心所欲,任意寫來,嬉笑怒罵,有黃有暴力但更多的是在青春期激情燃燒的歲月里和生活血戰到底的勇氣,其間的冷幽默、性苦悶、孤獨與迷亂,真是淋漓呈現。我一直認為張狂、頹廢等一切與所謂不良詞匯相關的詞是少年的權利,也比較縱容少年人去張狂、頹廢。多年以后當這些少年成長為中年和老年時,再讀劉不偉主編的這本民刊,當會發出會心一笑。就像現在,我以中年之心閱讀本書不斷笑出聲一樣。
     
      北京主義,我喜歡。我今天苦思苦想,用老廉頗的力氣寫了一首詩,如下:
     
      《北京主義》
     
      安琪
     
      躲在狂風中的陽光
      總能照亮我們
      裸身而來的勇氣
      怎么在北京活著,怎么喂養理想這只
      不死鳥。
      活著是門學問
      比主義更為艱深
     
      你在北京心意寒冷
      你在北京披紅掛綠
      你在北京長出了葉子
      你在北京凋零了羽翼
      2011年11月19日,猜火車酒吧
      這么多人走來走去
      每一個都是曾經的你
      (就像你也是他們的曾經)
     
      深淵中有浮出的臉
      緊裹著黑暗微笑
      北京是個奇跡,日日都有不可知出現
      兄弟你不要發瘋
      不要跳樓
      在北京的狂風中你要讓苦難在心中結石
      默默加重抵抗北京的力量。
     
      2011-11-20,北京。醉樂坊酒吧
     
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